Adyashanti Retreat Report
Written on February 29, 2008 by Tom Stine
I attended a 5 day retreat with Adyashanti back in December, 2007, and I prepared the following report immediately afterwards. Reports like these about spiritual teachers and retreats are few and far between on the web, but since I find them to be quite helpful to me personally, I thought I would share my experience with a wider audience.
Purpose of the Retreat
The purpose of the retreat was to deepen one’s experience of Truth, to experience a true opening or moment of pure awareness, and to possibly experience a true awakening. Adyashanti is a big proponent of “awakening in this lifetime, if not now.”
Adyashanti
I’ve been quite excited about Adya and his teachings since last April. He has had a huge impact upon me. After this retreat, I can say that beyond question I have found someone that I would call my teacher if I actually wanted a spiritual teacher. He is completely my cup of tea. He is a regular guy, very down to earth, somewhat flippant, a bit radical, honest, incredibly personable. He speaks my language. He talks like a middle class guy who grew up in the 70’s and 80’s (he is 45). In fact, he is a middle class guy! His spiritual beginnings were in Zen, so there is a bit of a Zen flair to him: funky Buddhist shirts, stubble haircut, sits cross-legged in bare feet. But he speaks normally, more like he’s jawing with a couple of buddies on a Saturday afternoon, although he does quote a lot of Zen masters.
Is Adyashanti “the real deal”?
For my money, yes, he is. There is nothing I can tell that is fake or phony about him. He feels very, very clean to me. Even cleaner than Hale Dwoskin (Sedona Method, for those not familiar) and Eckhart Tolle, both of whom are very genuine and real. I got the same message from others at the retreat (of course, we were all fairly biased). Nothing sticky about him that I can tell. I had come out to see him 3 weeks prior, and after arriving in California, the weekend intensive I was attending was cancelled (he was ill). That forced me to do a lot of letting go around my expectations of seeing him, etc., which was very good. So when the retreat started, I felt very open and available to whatever happened. Very few expectations.
We had an orientation the first night by the retreat leader, a few minutes of silent sitting, then Adya walked into the room. When he entered and started walking to the front, I felt like someone had turned on a 10,000 watt light bulb inside my head. I felt a tremendous surge of energy, of awareness, of LIGHT. It was incredible. I was buzzing for a few hours after that…. no, really a few days. The guy is transmitting some serious spiritual mojo. Something shifted in me for certain. I could really sense his presence the whole time. My personal intuition is that awake and enlightened are words that could be attached to him. Tricky words to use, yes, but I think he would deserve them.
Silence
This was a silent retreat. From the opening of meditation on Sunday to 11:00 am on Friday, no one spoke except to dialogue with Adya. We ate in silence, we experienced sharing a room in silence. Contrary to what most of my friends had predicted, I had a very easy time with it. I had to break silence a few times because of issues that arose, but I never just blew it. It was always a conscious choice at unavoidable times. Truly, keeping silence was amazing. I loved it. The opportunity to hear the chatter in my head, to get familiar with it, to experience it, and to see how thoroughly it wasn’t me, was perfect, an excellent practice in and of itself. Another benefit of silence was it eliminated any concerns of socializing. I would enter the dining hall, take the next available seat at the 10 person tables, and begin the dining process. I didn’t care who I sat by, who was at my table, anything. No pressures. Fantastic. Silence was a blessing, something to be cherished. It was a vital part of the experience.
People
I loved the people at the retreat. I got to speak with my roommate for a few hours before the retreat began. There were odd and funny parallels between us. I spoke with people on the shuttle to and from the airport, and at lunch on the last day. Great people. When they dialogued with Adya, they were so genuine and real. Very much like a Sedona Method retreat, and yet different. What a gift to be with 350 people who all are seeking to awaken. Yes, 350 people. We filled a very large hall for satsangs and meditation. I recognized at least 5 people from Sedona Method retreats, which was good.
Schedule
Meditate for 40 minutes at 7:30 a.m., breakfast, satsang with Adya from 10 a.m.-12 p.m., lunch, 3 meditations of 40 minutes each with 30 minute breaks in the afternoon, rest period, dinner, satsang with Adya from 7-8:45 p.m., final meditation, lights out at 10:00 p.m. We had 5 meditations for a total of over 3 hours of sitting each day. My spirit was willing, but the flesh was weak. I often bagged 2 of the afternoon meditations because my back was killing me sitting in the meditation hall (yes, we even had chairs to sit on). I would go sit in one of the many funky old buildings, in a comfy chair, and meditate, or watch the trees sway in the wind, or take a walk. Those times were amazing, lots of great moments sitting in silence watching the processes of my mind.
How I spent my days
I got up, meditated, ate, walked, sat, lied down in the late afternoon, listened to Adya, slept at night. We did nothing else. No computer, no phone, no conversation. Just hours and hours of meditating and contemplating and sitting. The primary meditation instruction was to be still, to allow everything to simply be: every thought, feeling, experience, perception, everything. Just be. My mind would chatter like a squirrel at times. But I would sit. Rarely did I get bored.
Location
photo credit: juicylucymamma
Asilomar, a wonderful retreat and conference center near Monterey, California, with frontage on the ocean. Beautiful grounds, walkways among the sand dunes, wonderful old buildings to sit in and watch a fire in the many fireplaces. Huge dining hall, excellent, basic food (meat and veggie options), I really enjoyed the dining. We couldn’t talk, so we basically just sat and ate what we were fed. It was nice. I had a plate of food, I ate it, sat and drank tea, and allowed it to be enough. I never was hungry. I probably lost a few pounds of fat. I felt great.
My experience
Incredible. My understanding of my spirituality got deeper. I had some amazing experiences like the light on the first night. A few times I felt myself go to the very edge of my mind, really sitting and staring at the nothingness, feeling around the edges of my experience. Adya triggered some great insights into myself, understandings about what I’m about. I can’t wait to go back.
The $64,000 question: did Tom awaken?
In the conventional sense of the word, no, I didn’t. There was no bang!, you are now awake experience. While I have had experiences in the past that were more of a bang nature, the impact of this retreat has been much more lasting. One thing that Adya discusses a lot is that he has met far more people that slowly get their awakening than people who go bang!. He describes it as they get to a place where they just go, “well I’ll be damned!” From this retreat, I can say I’m at “well I’ll be d….” I’m on the edges of it. I can just feel it. Sense it. It is there, right there.
And here is the kicker: there is nothing I can really do to get “there”. Because the question isn’t really “did you awaken?”, the question is really “did that in you which is awake realize itself?” Who awakens, you see, is the most important question. Tom doesn’t. What Tom truly is does. But then again, it doesn’t either. It is already awake. I know, it is a seemingly big paradox. What we are, consciousness, awareness, presence, is already there. It is constantly moving toward a fuller understanding of itself, and that is what awakening really is: a fuller realization of itself through you and me. The little self, the ego, the mind, whatever you want to call it, isn’t real in the first place, so how can it wake up? And that only leaves the absolute reality, consciousness, but it is already awake. Paradox!! So, what I am is already awake. So is what you are. And awakening is just recognizing that it is so. Nisagardatta Maharaj said that his guru told him that he was the Supreme Reality, and he then just sat with that until he realized it completely to be True. That’s it.
Okay, so in a conventional sense, Tom didn’t awaken, but he is waking up. But so are you. We go together, you and I.
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Tagged with: Adyashanti • retreat • Spiritual Awakening
on March 2nd, 2008 at 10:32 am
Isn’t it funny how we want the bolt of enlightenment to come down with all of life’s answers in one jolt! When all along the answers are within us anyway! Nice review of a retreat… Thanks
on March 2nd, 2008 at 9:14 pm
@Michelle: yes, it is funny. And oh so common. We’ve been told for years about people having big awakenings, dramatic spiritual moments, and we can easily fall into the trap of believing that’s how it’s gonna be. Not true, is it? That was a big un-learning for me, and one that really opened me up to experiencing a deeper level.
on March 3rd, 2008 at 3:25 pm
Dear Tom -
Thanks for taking us along on this wonderful journey. Most of us have never had the experience you describe so vividly here.
And, aaaaah, the silence. What a treat that must have been.
Sorry you got no “bang” here. I did!
on March 3rd, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Hi Tom, sounds wonderful. I haven’t done anything like this for so long, too long! You’re right too, that the part of us that is truly us is already awake.
Thank you for sharing your experience, I enjoyed reading about it!
on March 3rd, 2008 at 10:21 pm
Hi Tom,
Wonderful. I love what you say about retreat. I found that my sales go up whenever I take a day off to meditate or go out and play hard.
Perhaps it’s due to the positive vibration from within me.
on March 4th, 2008 at 12:33 am
@JoLynn
@Corinne
Thanks for the comments. You know, while I didn’t get a bang, I’ve gotten so very much more. In the 3 months since that retreat, the process that intensified at that retreat has just been rolling right along. I’m actually pretty clear that the big bang spiritual experiences really don’t matter. When it comes to awakening, it is simply that flowering of never ending, always on presence. I guess I need to write a “3 months later” article! And, I’m doing another Adyashanti retreat at the end of April.
on March 4th, 2008 at 12:35 am
@Raymond I suspect you are correct. The more transparent we become to awareness, the more we radiate that awareness/presence. Others are attracted to it. I noticed with my son that the more I’ve opened, the more he wants to just be around me.
on March 4th, 2008 at 9:04 am
I enjoyed reading about your experience. My path has been a bit different but I “get” the messages via a lot of channels. One of my teachers expressed how being in the presence of an enlightened soul affects those in the room–similar to the energy you described sensing. We all just have to enjoy the journey–with or without distractions!
on March 7th, 2008 at 10:46 am
@gg: I’m glad you enjoyed reading the report. While paths may be different, we all end up in the same place.
on March 16th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
Great coverage Tom, the description of Adya is really awesome!
on March 16th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Thanks, Albert. I really dig Adya. He is one of the clearest, most present spiritual teachers I’ve encountered. I can’t recommend him enough.
on March 20th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Tom, I’m in the midst of a bi-Polar manic episode.I can relate to your depiction of your experience’s at the retreat when Adya entered the room as being like a “10,000 watt light bulb in side my head” In my manic stage I’m like that my every waking moment. It’s quite a challenge to stay inside my own skin sometimes.With the help of my wife and a couple of good drs. and oh yeah some medications, I’m able to maintain a somewhat normal outward appearance.I’d be interested to here your take on this condition as it relates to an Awakening.
on April 10th, 2008 at 10:17 am
Great article. Would love to have been there.
Just a little comment about the “bang!” Bang! tells us its flash. Its experience. Certainly spiritual experiences are nice and can really open one up, but thats not waking. Occasionally, waking and flash come together, but for most people, waking is not a bang! It is a shift in who we perceive ourselves to be. We change from the individual experiencing the silent awareness, to being the silent awareness experiencing the individual. For some people this is a very quiet shift and it may take a few weeks for it to “sink in”. To accept it. For others, it is very distinct. But still, it usually takes a few days for us to realize just what has happened. Always, it is a release of resistance to what is, a letting go.
Its very helpful having someone awake to talk to about it as the mind is often confused - it cannot grasp what has changed. It is beyond mind.
The second waking is more an ‘aha’ and from what I’ve seen, more distinctive as we wake up from not just the illusion of self, but the illusion of everything. That happens after we clear some pain body and let go of the core identity in the gut. Adya talks about this beautifully in the DVD Journey after Awakening with Loch Kelly.
From your comments elsewhere, it sounds like you’ve brought some of that to consciousness. From remarks here, it sounds like there is just some small resistance left to waking. Often this resistance can simply be ideas we have about what waking is. Of course, those are of the mind so are never correct. Ever. That you have made some of the root fear conscious implies you will move quickly forward. Thats a very great blessing.
Great site. Will return.
on April 10th, 2008 at 10:34 am
@Davidya I really appreciate your compliments and your comment.
Yes, last December when I was at the retreat, and even, until recently, I had the mistaken belief that awakening would come with a bang. Over the winter months, I began to grow increasingly aware that, while it may come with a bang for some, it felt far more like I would experience a creeping sense of “aha, so that’s it.” Thus far, that has been my experience with one exception. It wasn’t really a bang, but it was definitely a “I’ll be damned.” Whether that was number one or number two I have no idea. But I can say for certain that something is missing, something is incomplete. It feels that it needs to go further somehow, and it is doing so, whether “I” like it or not. And sometimes my mind doesn’t like!
on April 10th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
You’re entirely welcome. Awakening is usually a distinctive change. Its a change in who, and where, we perceive ourselves to be. But its not a bang, rather a shift. Some even describe it as a pop, but thats more the experience of the awake experiencing another awaken. Another aspect of themselves has opened. For the person waking, its some form of release, letting go or surrender. An opening.
Some feel it like an emotional release, some like a mental release, some just a sense of letting go.
The approach is often like a creeping sense of opening. The shift is distinctive but because its a change the mind does not understand, it may take some time to digest, that it really is different. As Adya mentions on the Journey after Awakening DVD, there is often some back and forth. Some attempt by the mind to take over again. But once shifted, it is permanent. There is simply some variable time required to settle in and integrate the new reality.
After the switch, you will feel more complete. And then less so as you begin to open to the next level (laughs). Eventually, it does complete though. But at each level it feels like being back in spiritual kindergarten again.
You may find its less about ‘going further’ and more about letting go more. Surrendering to what is. Going is doing. This is past any doing. Indeed it is the art of doinglessness.
You are very close to being what you already are (laughs)
Davidya’s last blog post..Layers of Awakening
on April 10th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
Tom,
It’s fascinating. I was born in India and being Hindu, I can relate awakening is akin to communication with your “atma” - “atma” mean one that is eternal, our soul. Often we are enslaved in our thoughts provoked by our mind and not our soul. When we attain to the self, we are awaken. We are awaken because we are connected to our soul that is from “param-atma” mean God.
Shilpan
on April 10th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
@Davidya Your comment is a good one. The misconceptions one has about awakening are almost a “barrier” to realization. Almost. Nothing can be, but when some measure of realization occurs, there is a seeing through these illusions. I see your point things “completing” until ready for the next phase.
I’m heading over to your blog to read your last post. It should be a great read.
on April 10th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
@Shilpan I wish I 100% knew Hindu terminology. But I follow your comment. Yes, the entire discussion of awakening is fascinating. I enjoy reading it as much experiencing it.
on April 10th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
Hi Tom
Your comment reminds me of Ganesh, the elephant headed god in India. People pray to him for the removal of obstacles. But the funny part is there is no obstacles. The perception of obstacles is part of the illusion. But Ganesh dances in the play nonetheless.
on April 10th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
Hi Shilpan
Yes, the atma awakens to its connection to the one Self, that we are paramatma, the great or supreme soul. The one soul of all.
Its funny, really. We are standing in an ocean of bliss, flowing through and expressing all things. Yet we have the creativity to feel alone and unhappy. (laughs)
on April 11th, 2008 at 8:13 am
Ah, yes, you are outlining my day to day life. I go from clear to cloudy, obstacles to no obstacles. At times I can see it so clearly, like life is infinite, love is infinite, there is nothing separating me and existence. And then, I get wrapped up in the thoughts and there I am, battling the obstacles until the light comes on: Oh, right, my thoughts aren’t true. There are no obstacles. And then I can dance as you say.
on April 11th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
Hi Tom
Of course your thoughts are true. Just not the true you think (laughs). I find we seem to go 1 big step forward, then a little step back in a kind of cycle or dance of opening.
Davidya’s last blog post..Flower of Life
on April 12th, 2008 at 12:54 am
Hello, maybe this will help. You wrote “The $64,000 question: did Tom awaken?
In the conventional sense of the word, no, I didn’t. There was no bang!, you are now awake experience. While I have had experiences in the past that were more of a bang nature, the impact of this retreat has been much more lasting. One thing that Adya discusses a lot is that he has met far more people that slowly get their awakening than people who go bang!. He describes it as they get to a place where they just go, “well I’ll be damned!””
What Adya was talking about: it’s not that people slowly get to their awakening, it’s that after they have the bang experience, it is a slow process of vacuuming out whatever is left of ego or untruth or whatever. There is really only one “bang” experience, and that is recognizing yourself, the universe, and the unborn as one…. not an intellectual realization, but experiencing it. But most people find that even after that recognition, there is still a bunch of inner conflict, and people still have difficulty living life with this new found realization…. or they feel like the realization is something that comes and goes, and they feel they need to concentrate to keep that sense of the unborn with them. When you get to that point of “I’ll be dammed” you are at a point where there is no longer any need to concentrate, no more inquiry, no need to sustain any state. And then…. it’s just all gone.
And the bang experience is something so small and simple…. it may come as a simple recognition, or it may be some crazy intense experience. But however you experience the recognition doesn’t matter. There are many fantastic experiences laden with truth, but if the experience is not recognized as the unborn sensing itself through you, then it’s not really truth, but just some experience that happens to you. Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is what you are looking for is so very simple, and you needn’t be concerned with how powerful the experience will be. It is such a simple thing. Looking back on my life I realize how many times I had the exact feeling of “enlightenment” but I didn’t realize it for what it was. The experience happened, but I simply didn’t realize “who is having this experience?”. Who is reading this?
I hope that might help.
on April 12th, 2008 at 9:37 am
@J Stone Thanks very much for the reply. I really like the way you clarified this for me. In a sense, when I wrote the post, at the end of the retreat in December, I wasn’t very clear on all this. Then, well, lately I experienced some “clearing” on the subject, and when I read your comment, I thought, “yes, exactly, that’s what I would write now.”
One thing, though: Adya talks about 2 parts to awakening, the No Self part and the Oneness part. He describes his own experience and that of others as these two parts as distinct. So, in a certain sense, there are 2 recognitions that occur. This has been my experience, as one recognition has occurred but the other has not. But no matter, there is a definite process of vacuuming out the “untruth” hanging around. I feel at times that all I can do is let go, let go, let go.
Has this been your experience at all? I’d be curious to hear more. Thanks for the comment.
on April 12th, 2008 at 9:42 am
@Davidya You are right. When I get lost in a thought, it certainly seems true, 100% true. But it just isn’t TRUE. I guess it is really that it is harder and harder to believe anything I think. That’s the real kicker.
on April 12th, 2008 at 11:27 am
@J Stone: I would say people often slowly approach waking, not really sure if they are or not, then there is the switch. The change from experiencing the Self to being the Self. Some say its a bang or pop, but that implies some experience. Its not so much an experience as a being. A shift in who and where you “are”.
Many people have doubts after the switch as the change can be subtle to some. How long that goes on depends on their clarity and ego grip. As you mention, Adya talks about cleaning out the “Leshia Avidya”, remains of ignorance. What I call the ego shrapnel. Some people walk right through that. Some take a few days. Some take some months or years, as Adya says.
You should not confuse this with oneness though. The first switch can include such a sense, but again, it is an experience rather than a being. The first shift is a shift in who you perceive yourself to be. Once that is established, there is a series of further openings and a concurrent refinement of perceptions. In ‘emptiness dancing’ (on the back cover even) and the ‘Journey after Awakening’ DVD, Adya describes the process as 3 stages or levels. This corresponds to many Vedic descriptions as well.
First, it is the mind. The ego and illusion of individuality goes with the switch. The clearing process above is typically clearing the mind, all the old ideas of who I am and what is real.
Then there is the opening of what I call the divine heart. As Adya says, your being starts to dance. Everything comes alive.
THEN you get the second switch. This is the realization one, where everything is found to not exist. It al disappears. The core unconscious gut identity becomes conscious. You have what Adya calls the BBQ. The whole sense of seperateness “just died into transparency. You are dancing - the emptiness is dancing.” Your are united, one with all. The unreal becomes real again, but a very different real. It is all you, so there is a deep intimacy with everything.
Of course, its rarely all tidy like that. Adya had a big Unity experience with his first switch. People are clearing emotional baggage throughout and well before any waking. But along the journey there is 2 markers, 2 switches to mark our progress. After each switch, there is a period of clearing and adjustment and integration.
Some people never make the second switch. Some don’t even know its there. They think the first is the goal. Just as it takes time to integrate the first switch, it takes time to integrate the open heart (imagine all beings in the universe, and all their feelings, inside your heart. All the suffering of the world experienced in a moment, but fully absorbed in divine love) , and it takes time to integrate Oneness. If you rush through them in a few months, then you have more to integrate at once.
Its also important to know that it doesn’t stop there. There is always more growth, more refinement, more opening possible. You’ll also find that there can be a whole series of grand openings along the way. Its not a small change to get from ego to empty fullness.
The really funny part? All of existence, the universe, everything disappears. What remains is emptiness. The emptiness of fullness beyond imagination. A reality that is so much better than the ego’s. But its perfectly normal and ordinary. (laughs) Just the appearance of a DVD like ‘beyond Awakening’ shows just how profound the time is. That people are there.
I loved your closing paragraph. So small and simple. Thats it in a nutshell. And thats the value of a teacher who can say - thats it. Or almost. (laughs) Without that, we simply get clear enough one day to know.
@Tom, I think I covered your post too (laughs)
on April 12th, 2008 at 11:29 am
@ Tom
One thing further. Ask yourself who you are. And ask yourself where you are. These both change with waking. They also change with the other 2 steps too.
on April 12th, 2008 at 11:45 am
@Davidya, Yes! The more you describe this in your comments, the more I see how it corresponds with what I’m experiencing. I agree fully that there is no set pattern, no set sequence to awakening. One of Adya’s students/teachers, Mike Snider, tells how he experienced the oneness aspect and then went 12 years before he go the no-self part.
Also you made me realize what happens to some people, particularly Andrew Cohen. I’ve never paid much attention to his teachings, but the story of his awakening and his falling out with Papaji sounds very much like he experienced the first opening you speak of, decided he was all done, and just shut down from there. His heart feels very closed. And his life seems to reflect that.
I feel like my heart is being pried open at times. I keep getting flashes of things in the past and the movement is to open, to love, to feel the past transformed by the heart.
Finally, you suggested I ask “Who am I?” and then “Where am I?” I almost can’t ask the who or what am I question. I can barely dredge up any movement to ask the question. It is a foregone conclusion. If I do ask it, there is just THAT, not an experience, but a beingness that I AM. A nothingness that I AM. There is just AM-ness. Very hard to put into words.
“Where am I?”, however, elicits a different response. It is hard to say “here” but I also don’t feel much beyond that. It feels as if “something” in me is reaching outward, not really, but that is the sensation of it. I’m going to sit later today with “Where am I?” and see what occurs. I had never thought of doing that inquiry. Cool. Thanks.
on April 12th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
If it makes Mike feel better, I know someone who began waking experiences in their childhood but didn’t awaken until their 40’s. Someone I know very well had a big (misleading) flash-bang in the mid ’70s, complete with vast knowledge and all the right ’symptoms’, but the “waking” faded unlike the real thing. It was over 30 years before they finally woke. But in both cases, when they did, they moved on to the second switch in a few months. Its much easier to awaken now.
Interesting comment about Cohen. I know several teachers who seem to be stuck. One who defines others “levels” and who they feel is “fallen”, although they are obviously stuck themselves. There are several places where you can get side-tracked after the first waking.
Yes- hard to put into words. But different. The Where question is very interesting as its often not the here it used to be.
Be very interested to hear what arises.
Davidya’s last blog post..Stages of waking
on April 12th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
“One thing, though: Adya talks about 2 parts to awakening, the No Self part and the Oneness part. He describes his own experience and that of others as these two parts as distinct. So, in a certain sense, there are 2 recognitions that occur. This has been my experience, as one recognition has occurred but the other has not.”
Hmmm, I suppose. I don’t know the specific talk by Adya you are referring to so I probably don’t completely understand it… but to me those two realizations seem to be the same thing. If you realize there is no self, how could you not also realize that there is nothing else? and thus everything is one nothing? And to me it seems you can’t realize there is no self without realizing that you are the unborn, and so is everything.
But who cares about that, it’s probably not important. If you feel there is one step which you have not realized, then the inquiry of “what am I” and “where am I” or “what story am I telling myself” will still be an important keys for you.
As for me, I had an intellectual realization of the oneness of the universe before ever hearing of zen or having an idea of what enlightenment was. It was just a thought like, “well, it’s all one universe, and it must come from the same source, so logically it must be one”. But I really had no experiential sense of oneness. No recognition of unborn as self. I had the steps, but not the recognition. Back then, nothing was just nothing. But at my awakening moment, the unborn was recognized, unquestionably and as sure as I recognize myself looking in a mirror. But again, this paragraph is just a little anecdote that doesn’t mean anything.
I don’t know if it is an issue for you, but if you are trying to get this final step of “oneness”, don’t focus on trying to achieve oneness. It will not come if you think about it. In other words, stop trying and just BE…”what am I?”. Personally, I never asked “what am I” before awakening, although it became helpful. At the time of my awakening, I was contemplating while looking at a tree, “what is behind the tree”… or “what is looking at the tree”, or “what is seeing this sight”, or “what is hearing this sound”, or “what is the silence behind sound?, or the darkness behind light?” Basically, it is all a question of “what is experiencing?” “What am I” is the same thing… but maybe these pointers might help you too.
“@J Stone: I would say people often slowly approach waking, not really sure if they are or not, then there is the switch. The change from experiencing the Self to being the Self. Some say its a bang or pop, but that implies some experience. Its not so much an experience as a being. A shift in who and where you “are”.”
Well, yes. First people have to realize what they are…. which in the zen tradition usually happens in meditation or contemplation. And then one begins to live that realization, or BE it, which yes, can be confusing and subtle. But it is all the same realization. The second just becomes clear in everyday consciousness. The first is a contemplation of the world, while the second is engaged with it. But it’s the same realization. Or maybe it is a different realization. I don’t know. lol.
on April 12th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
“Finally, you suggested I ask “Who am I?” and then “Where am I?” I almost can’t ask the who or what am I question. I can barely dredge up any movement to ask the question. It is a foregone conclusion.”
Oh!! I missed that part somehow. Yeah, do whatever works for you. If “where am I” works, then do that…. but if you are absolutely sick of asking “what am I”, then maybe inquiring about other things might do the trick, like inquiring about silence behind sound, or whatever else I suggested.
“If I do ask it, there is just THAT, not an experience, but a beingness that I AM. A nothingness that I AM. There is just AM-ness. Very hard to put into words.”
Wow…. that sounds like you’re so close… I am almost tempted to say, “dude!! you’re totally enlightened!!” that’s a joke. But really, that sounds so close it’s almost like you have experienced awakening, but for some reason you aren’t recognizing it yet. But even though you might be close, it will never be any closer until it is actually recognized. I don’t say that to discourage or frustrate in any way…. just to stress that even though you are close, it will not come the harder you try. The recognition is something that can only be allowed in. Be still.
on April 12th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
@ JS
Congrats - its no small feat to step out of bondage. A featless feat (laughs) There are 2 distinct “switches”. That may not be clear from Adya’s early work but he talks about it a lot in the recent stuff I’ve seen/heard. In the first shift, we awaken from the illusion of the individual. The dominant experience is being “the witness”, the observer of the world, detached. The world and the body may seem to take care of themselves. We may find ourselves awake, even in deep sleep (though thats less common unless you are well rested). Self absorbs the mind.
Over time and with further refinement, Self moves forward and absorbs the heart. Adya talks less about that but clearly describes it on ‘Journey after Awakening’. Then the gut and core identity goes. Mentioned prior. Then the ground is ripe for the second waking. Its very different from the first. Much more the Aha! And then not only are we “self” but everything else is. That is the true oneness, when not only are we one, but everything is. Not intellectually, but in the experience. All of it is within, intimate. In the meantime, time has collapsed into the present. All persons have collapsed into the one person. Literally. We are the same person, like different personalities of the One. Hence the many armed, many headed images. There is only one set of chakras.
The old Upanishad saying “I am That, Thou art That, All This is That” Actually describes the end result and the three stages.
The questions about who and where you are can indeed be annoying intellectual ideas, but just after waking can be useful questions. It can point to the change and add clarity. People experience differently, depending on their opening but there is a change. Sometimes subtle, sometimes profound. I agree, questions like what is the silence, or who is observing these words on the page can also be useful, although I’ve found that more prior to waking. Or when you get a little foggy (laughs).
I agree that accepting the shift is key. The release of resistance is always the way. If we do not accept it, the mind will resist. There is nothing to do but allow what is and see what it is. I know people who saw that the guru was telling them so they just accepted, people who came to get it after a few days, and people who were still resisting that they had switched months later. (still lots of drama - amazing who can awaken)
My tradition is Vedic. I discovered Adya on a friends advice and found he spoke directly to the experience. Different terms, different tradition, but Adya has “stepped out” of the box of his tradition and covers the common ground so well. I remember picking up a copy of ‘emptiness dancing’ and looking at the cover. The quote on the back I mentioned prior was perfectly what i needed to hear. Then a friend invited me over to see the DVD I’ve mentioned. Beautiful explanation of the process underway. I actually transcribed it (laughs)
Thanks for your thoughts. Perhaps for you there is no 2 stages. To fully know Itself, we must experience every possible variation…
on April 14th, 2008 at 11:13 am
@Davidya & J Stone Well, my friends, this discussion has been invaluable to me. So much has been cleared-up by reading what the two of you have written. I mean that truly. It is obvious to me that part of my experience thus far is some sort of integration. Not of what I am, but my mind getting cleared-up around what has occurred. As J observed “But really, that sounds so close it’s almost like you have experienced awakening, but for some reason you aren’t recognizing it yet.” I would say it is a partial recognition, if that is possible.
I tend to go along with what Davidya has written because it fits my experience and what I’ve heard Adya say in his talks. It was so unbelievably clear and obvious that the “I” is not what I am. I saw completely through that. But WHAT I am is not clear. Again, it is the two halves of what Nisargadatta said:
When I look within and see that I am nothing, that’s wisdom.
When I look without and see that I am everything, that’s love.
And between these two, my life turns.
And yet, I know it is a story I’m telling myself. All in all, your suggestion, J, is exactly what I’m doing: being still. It is all there is to do.
Thanks again, both of you. I’ve loved your comments.
on April 14th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
You’re welcome, Tom. Its always fascinating to explore this level of experience, if we can call it that. (laughs) Experienceless experience.
What you may find is that the mind is trying to find a “what” to label and say “I am that”. Its used to being able to point to experiences of the body, mind or feelings. But when you become Self, you become nothing. There is nothing for the mind to identify with. Words fail, as this nothing is everything. But silence, unmanifest, witness are a few words people toss around. These may take more meaning now.
One other little thing - there will be lots more surprises. You are not “I” anymore, but soon you will be “I” again. (laughs) Only then, the “I” of all I’s, the cosmic soul, Purusha. The individual, all individuals, are included in the One. But you have to step out of the I to get to the real I.
Theres a kind of cyclic nature to this whole thing. We have to loose what we have in order to get it back again at a higher level.
Davidya’s last blog post..Cooling It
on April 14th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
Thank you Tom. I have never helped anyone with awakening, so I’m glad if what I said had any value. I agree with Davidya on everything…. I could say it a bit differntly, but it’s basically all the same. Thanks for the congrats too, Davidya.
So it sounds like you have really REALLY recognized the empty nature of things. Not just a vague knowing somewhere back there, but really recognized it. As Davidya said, there are at least 2 parts to enlightenment, and the first is realizing there is no self. In my way of thinking, this first step is realizing the logic of “I am, therefore I think.” It’s a a rearrangement of Descartes, “I think therefore I am”. My statment means that you recognize that “I am” is the consciousness that is aware of thinking, a different kind of consciousness. If you realizing this, then you no longer believe that you are your thoughts, your emotions, feelings your experiences… but you are the awareness that is aware of thought and the awareness that experiences everything else. I believe you had this step acheived for some time.
But recently it sounds like you got the second step, the “bang” experience. The authentic recognition of emptiness as true nature…. as more than just a detached empty feeling… but as an alive vast emptiness so vivid that you can almost literally see it. That is exactly what I experienced when I talked of recognizing the unborn while looking at a tree. That is the unborn recognizing the unborn, as only it can. That is being awake.
And that is the very beginning. As I said, I think there is only one real “bang” experience, recognizing the unborn for what it is, and every experience of awakeness after that is the the same recognition. The ongoing process and opening of the heart is this…. will you recognize the unborn in every moment? Every thought that arises, every person you meet, every experience you have, every horrible sensation you have… will you recognize its nature as emptiness, and will you recognize the form as a manifestation of emptiness? Or will you go back in to telling yourself stories about things and people? Will you shy away from people, pain, discomfort? Or will you recognize it as one? They say all is resolved in the unmanifested. When you think of the worst moments of your life…. do you see the shimmering dark there with you? Can you feel the sufferring of it dissolve? Can you feel the hilarious joke and gift that the universe has played? In those horrible moments, the you were somehow convinced that you were alone and unloved.. and yet infinite love was always there. Are you greatful for the gift of illusion? For whatever has arisen in your life?
So I think the ongoing process is the continual recognition of the empty nature of everything that arises. Yes, opening to people may feel different from opening to a tree, as if emptiness is revealing a different side of itself, but it is the same recognition. You may struggle with your awakening for a while. Will you be able to realize your struggling as emptiness as well? Or will you try to quash the constricted feeling, or become attached to the awakening experience. I’ve heard you have to want the truth more than you want to experience it. Will you see the emptiness behind whatever struggles may face you? I’ve found that the simpler things are, the easier it is to recognize emptiness. I’ve tried to feel open all the time, feel the entire universe all at once and it doesn’t work because I ended up conceptualizing it all without realizing it. Just allow everything to be. It’s a continual recognition of emptiness of everything that arises.
on April 14th, 2008 at 11:38 pm
oh yeah, that could be a very long process. I think even Adya said that he didn’t let it all go…. get to that point of “I’ll be damned” until sometime after his first awakening, he thought he was literally going to die and he surrendered completely and said, “if death is what it takes to realize the truth, then so be it.” And after that, something in him just died and any inner disharmy went away. It was a point where he no longer had to inquire about anything, never lost his recognition of the empty nature of the universe…. then everything that arose for him, the sense of emptiness just became so obvious for him, there is no longer any questioning or concern about what arises, no more enlightenment or non enlightenment, no more integrating enlightenment in to his life… it’s just all gone, and then he said, “I’ll be damned”.
It seems like a lot of people have to face some major crisis or fear before they let it ALL go forever. I have not yet… I’m still going through the process.
on April 15th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
J and Davidya Again, thanks, both of you. J, I really think you hit it correctly. I really saw it, I mean clear through it. No question, no doubt. I went for a walk today, and on the walk, I really got a good taste of how this that I am is also everything else. Just a taste, but deeper than anything I can remember. But if I look within, well, that direction it is all very clear. And I feel so incredibly “full” in a sense, rich. I keep thinking of Adya: “It is the fullest emptiness you will ever encounter.” Yeah, I completely get that one. It is a trip. What fun! I’m enjoying the whole thing immensely.
So, next week I will be in silent retreat with Adya. Can’t wait. It should be a great experience. It will be my second retreat with him. Be well.
on April 16th, 2008 at 9:07 am
Hi Tom,
Thanks for sharing this. Very interesting and inspiring.
Cheers,
Anmol
Anmol Mehta | Mastery of Meditation’s last blog post..Ultimate Health & Wellness Yoga Meditation Program (Course #105)
on April 16th, 2008 at 9:31 am
Greetings Anmol…. Glad you stopped by. I’m actually heading to another Adyashanti retreat next week. I will post another report afterwards.
on April 16th, 2008 at 9:59 am
Looking forward to your followup. Enjoy the retreat, as I’m sure you will. Silence takes on a whole new dimension when you are that
Davidya’s last blog post..Eckhart on Oprah continues
on April 16th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
@Davidya Thanks, I will. I had no idea when I signed-up that I would be going under different “circumstances” than the last one. I can’t wait to spend a concerted period of time being what I am.
on June 14th, 2008 at 7:25 am
Thank you for the report. Check out our Eckhart Tolle forums, we have a section for Adyashanti. Hope to see you there soon =)
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