You’re Not in Control
Written on December 4, 2008 by Tom Stine
I’ve recently written quite a bit about the topic of control. Over and over, as I look at my life, as I watch others experience their lives, I keep coming to the same simple realization: we don’t have control over our lives. We are lived by something, a force that operates through our bodies and conditioned minds. We are lived by LIFE itself. And whatever “we” are goes along for the ride.
Interestingly, as I was in the midst of writing my recent posts on control, I got to travel to San Francisco to hear Adyashanti give a weekend workshop. And guess how he started his first talk? Yes, of course, he started discussing control. I smiled when he mentioned control that morning. It was a wonderful talk, and as so often happens, I remembered almost nothing from it, even though it had a profound impact upon me. A good spiritual talk is memorable for its effects, not for its words.
Fortunately for me, I ordered a recording of the weekend, and after it arrived the other day, I began to listen again to the talk on control. It was even better the second time! Let me share a bit with you:
You’re not in control, but your desperate efforts to keep control actually does alter the way existence moves for you. It doesn’t move in the way your controller wants to, but it does have an effect on existence, your effort to control it. It doesn’t have the effect you want it to have, but it does have an effect. And you only know that when that control is totally let go of. Because when it is totally let go of, and you are no longer putting that energy out to existence or to consciousness, then existence starts to change.
Yes, of course, our efforts to control do effect the events of our lives, but not how we want them to. That explains so much. But as we let go of attempting to control, life then begins to flow. Ah, yes, perfect. It makes complete sense to me. Nothing to be but let go of one simple false belief: that we have control over our lives. So easy to say. So difficult fun interesting to do.
on December 4th, 2008 at 10:06 pm
Wow! I love it! Thank You!
Catch the currency….Freedom!
on December 5th, 2008 at 3:30 am
Sounds good! But I personally wouldn’t have crossed out the word “difficult”
I know, the idea is to “just let go”. But what is it that doesn’t want to, is scared to, or otherwise resists? And how to trick that into letting go? Hmm…
on December 5th, 2008 at 5:01 am
Great post!
Could you tell us, what recording of Adya this was? I feel the uncontrollable urge to listen to it ..
on December 5th, 2008 at 6:24 am
Love the subject of letting go of being in control.
Very interesting. Looking into it recently I ran up against the notion that I was a solid entity that has an existing ‘grasp’ on control. And so I would need to perform an action to ungrasp the control. And then I would be a solid entity that was in a solid state of not grasping. But thats all rubbish.
Correct me if i’m wrong, but the grasping is not a solid property, it is an action renewed in the present. So there is no need to let go of it, just don’t perform the action of grasping.
Searching for a metaphor, it feels like letting go of control would require a similar action to letting go of my grip on an apple. The grasping would be a solid property of myself, and when let go, the ‘release’ would be a new solid property. But when I imagine I can see things more clearly, the situation is more like when people nervously fidget with their hands – you don’t need to ‘let go’ of fidgeting, just notice it and it stops.
Is any attempt to actively let go of the apple just another way of squeezing it?
on December 5th, 2008 at 6:43 am
well after being disapointed a lot, after having tried to let go, after having tried to find the truth, to be present, to be here and now, to observe my mind, to observe my emotions, and to let go, i’m little tired.
Maybe another way to “let go” is to “go with it”.
When there is an unwanted event for example, instead of telling myself: “i dont want it, i cannot control it, so i will try to let go”, which is somehow cheating: “i will let go so it will be better…”
There is sometimes a sense of negotiating there.
“I’ll let go so my control over it will be better afterwards.”
instead of saying that i ENJOY it. I’m in a fucking bad situation. Great! There’s life here. There’s energy.
i feel we cannot negotiate. just let go a little bit.
on December 5th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Letting go is a process, like peeling an onion.
But as Diane observes, it is growing freedom.
The effect to me is a little like standing in a fast moving river. We can lay back in the sunshine and enjoy the trip to the ocean. Or we can decide we’re the captain, grab onto every passing twig, bump and spin against the banks, and so on.
The simple question of who is doing this is fascinating to observe over time. Kind of me, Self, and I (the one). In other words: me, myself, and I (laughs)
on December 5th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
You’re right – we are not in control. Certainly we are in control of our own behavior and we can try to control our thoughts but our minds do have “a mind of their own.”
This is why I practice the philosophy of surrendering to God, the universe. I listen more closely to my intuition and go from there. We are given signs and co-called coincidences to help guide us.
That’s why I think we all ought to “go with the flow” and stay true to ourselves, listen to our intuition and trust that we are being led to the right places instead of trying to control the outcome tou our specifications. It almost never works.
on December 5th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
Hi Stephen
If I may comment, it is fascinating how ingrained that sense of control is. Not to be critical or argue semantics, but even in your comment, there is control words.
Like “ought to” and “stay true”. Even when we are trying to allow, we are still trying. There are many layers to this.
Again, you say “try to control our thoughts”. Control is the opposite of allowing.
And you open with “Certainly we are in control of our behaviour”. The real question to that statement is who is the we? You have agreed with Tom, then laid exceptions. That is the voice of control.
In essence, I think you are saying we are not in control of the world outside but we are in control of the world inside. That is not what Tom is saying. But you do concede minds do have “a mind of their own.”
Your approach is correct but its worth seeing the game the mind plays to agree but not really.
Its worth noting that the only difference between inside and outside is the sense of separation. And that’s an illusion.
on December 7th, 2008 at 11:01 am
I have had a history of OCD for many years. With this there is a yearning for control, complete control. The most basic level of this is with material objects. They can even be felt to have vanished if I turn away from them. Giving magical meanings to movements of physical form to ward off painful thoughts is another facet.
Today I use the Sedona Method. and I am not in control, and for now thats ok. However if a bulb blows on my car that’s another matter! Its very easy for me to say that I enjoy having no control when everything and everyone is going my way or doing my will. Now that I have had thought about a bulb blowing my head is telling me its going to happen!!!!
I have no control over when obsessive thoughts appear but thankfully today I have choices of what to do if they arise.
on December 8th, 2008 at 5:05 am
I find I’m most in control when practically let go of all control. This frees you up a lot (like what you said about not putting out the energy).
I still think I’m in control of my actions, but there is no way to get enough data about everything else in the world to predict the outcome
on December 8th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
This is where I disagree with Zen- I agree that we can’t control the world around us or our lives, but I believe we CAN control ourselves and our reactions to our lives. In letting go, we have more control over ourselves (not needing to be attached to outcomes).
on December 8th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
UpTake
Ah, but what if Tom is not describing an opinion or philosophical position? What if Tom is describing his experience?
The thing we so often miss with the deeper descriptions is we come to them from the head, the intellect. We see Zen or Buddhism as an opinion or position and miss the deeper point.
Human experience falls into a range of perspectives. Feeling a sense of control is indeed superior to feeling being a victim. This process takes place even in the separation from mother as a baby.
As an adult we can go deeper and feel a sense of control over ourselves but let go of the world. Deeper, we discover we are the silence within and the person is just more environment. We have no control even of the thoughts that arise as they are not ‘me’. And it continues from there.
For much of the process, it vacillates between extremes. In this case, control or no control. In the end, in Oneness, the opposites come together. Then both and neither are true. Control itself becomes a meaningless question as there is only One.
on December 10th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Great post, Tom!
When I speak about this topic, I refer to it as the illusion of control. It appears we can control (if you look at it quickly and on the surface), but inquiry of depth will show we are not in control…not the world or ourselves.
Namaste,
~ Eric
on December 10th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
Hi All… Lately I’ve been a day late and a dollar short as they say. Here are some responses to your wonderful comments:
@Diane Glad you loved the article. Yes, freedom is it.
@Nick I don’t know that it is tricking into letting go. It is almost a paradox, really. You only can let go by, well, letting go. When you want to let go more than you want anything else, then you will. The fun is discovering what you want more than letting to.
@Roman It is his latest recording entitled Dying into the River of Existence. I don’t know if it is available on his website yet. I ordered it directly at the weekend intensive.
@Ryan YES! An attempt at, as you said, actively letting go is just another way of squeezing the apple. You can’t DO letting go. It is an undoing, a not doing. When you let go of control, even for a moment, it is a gigantic RELAXATION into being. Just like dropping the apple. I’ve noticed that people I work with will often “try” to let go of something, as if they are trying getting rid of something. That doesn’t work. Letting go, unfortunately is LETTING GO.
Thanks for the comment!!
@Adrian You’ve got it, too. You cannot negotiate. You cannot control by cheating your way into control. You go with what is RIGHT NOW. If life sucks right now, then let it suck! If you hate someone or something, there is nothing spiritual about pretending the hate isn’t there. Hate it! Feel it, watch it, allow it. No control, no attempt at control. And then guess what happens? When we allow, things shift. Awareness moves. And all is well. At least, that’s how my experience goes. Your mileage may vary.
@Davidya I love the river analogy. I always like to tell people that if you are floating down a river, it is far better to go with your legs in front, ready to bounce of a rock. If you turn and swim up stream or sideways, you will get SMASHED on rocks. If you’ve ever been tossed out of a raft in white water, you know exactly what I mean. Feet forward, head up, eyes straight ahead, and RIDE THE CURRENT. And always wear a helmet! LOL
@Stephen Control is subtle. When I say no control, I really mean none. I have no control over my behavior. Thoughts arise, actions are taken, all spontaneously. I know, kinda radical. But the fun question to ask, then, is “what is causing my life to move the way it does?” Look at THAT question, and life will forever change.
@Philip I hear what you are saying. When the OCD arises, when obsessive thoughts come, you use something like the Sedona Method to work with it. GREAT! But even then, your movement toward working with the Sedona Method is not under the control of the supposed self. It is part of Life expressing through you. Same as the thoughts. Having control really doesn’t matter. It is following those movements and letting life unfold. Much more fun!
@Jarrod A few questions for you: when you are controlling an action, who’s deciding to do that action? Who made the decision “go left” or “go right?” Where did the thought come from to make that choice?
@UpTake Suz Thanks for the comments. You know, I gotta go with Davidya on this one. I happen to ultimately agree with his final sentence. There is only One, and It is doing its thing. We are That.
@Eric Thanks! Illusion is quite correct. Inquiry shows that clearly, I completely agree. Namaste.
on December 20th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
“We are lived by something…” If we could control our lives there would be no enlightenment ever. We are born “asleep”, and life will teach us through events. Any event should be fully “lived” and understood, in this way we transform ourselves. Once we have learned “the lesson” we go further to the “next level”. Otherwise, it will repeat with more power. In the end we will be free of any tension/disease, and life will be a “dance”. Life is like a stream, we should go with the flow, not upstream, we should not even swim. Just enjoy and be fully aware. Nothing which happens to us is meaningless, even if you don’t see the true reason. Remember: that “something” works in a way our mind cannot even think about. A hint: it’s totally illogical and full of paradoxes…Life will hit us in our weakest points, which need to be transformed. We should drop the good/bad judgment. Stop judging whatever happens and you will “see” its teachings for your ascension. If we are good students, we will see how the existence communicates with us: coincidences, good luck, and other unbelievable things happening to us.
on January 1st, 2009 at 8:02 pm
Is not control simply a false belief that the universe runs by the rules of our own minds? When we realize there is no control, by us or by life, then we see it never existed. What exists now exists regardless. We cannot say we are life if we say we are controlled BY life, that is still a dualistic thought.
on January 1st, 2009 at 9:44 pm
@Sue Yes, I would agree that control is a false belief. An illusion if you will. However the Universe works, it certainly isn’t by anything remotely like control.
Thanks for the comments!
on January 7th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
This is a wonderful post. I just got done reading a very spiritual book (A New Earth) and someone asked me for some specifics out of it. I too couldn’t really recite from the book – but the effect on me was tremendous.
My wife and I were talking about control recently and that life seems to spin out of “control” when you are in the midst of “controlling” people. We’ve tried to make a few changes in that area (which, I guess is an attempt at control) but it seems to be helping!
Great post. Lots to think about!
on January 7th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
@Pedestrian Thanks! Glad you enjoy it. Just keep letting go of the desire for control. You don’t have it anyway, but it helps to release the desire. Enjoy!
on January 29th, 2009 at 11:25 pm
Something I think that do you have some control over – is how you respond to life!
I like your blog.
Best wishes
on January 29th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
ooops bit of slip there
what i wanted to write was……..
I think that we do have some control over our response to life
on January 30th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
@Ribbon You know, I’m such a radical about this control stuff that I’m not even sure we have control over our response to life. Of course, that depends on who “we” is.
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